An update entry

Some photographic evidence I have not slipped into a deep dark hole:



Moving into the new apartment- assembling my IKEA bed.



Steffi and Tai leaving our apartment to for Thanksgiving.


Picture of my mom, me, and my mother's fiancee at my mother's house.


Thanksgiving


Thanksgiving.



After Thanksgiving feast walk


Final bar night to say goodbye to exchange friends.


Final bar night to say goodbye to exchange friends.


My new German roommate and me at the bar.


After the snow storm, photo by my roommate


So I understand that there is a more than necessary update blog entry since it has been over a month since my last. I appreciate all the messages asking when my next entry would be. However I have been quite busy with the end of the semester festivities. It's been a long and hard semester but overall I am very happy with how it turned out. It was more than a challenge at times but nonetheless a learning experience. This period of growth did come at the high price of not having too many social nights in comparison with my life in Sweden, but I can honestly say it was well worth it. As I talked today with a close friend of mine who I met in Sweden, Alisha reminded me how much exchange life can change you and really mature you beyond your years. As we both realized, this semester - after exchange we became knowledge fiends, knowledge thirsty and finding ourselves researching in and out of the classroom realm.

I recently had to write my final papers for my classes and was so happy to finally be done last Wednesday. My topics: "The Reconciliation of India-Pakistan Relations: The Importance of Jammu and Kashmir in Combating International Terrorism in the South Asia Region", "The United States of America's Nuclear Weapons Testing Program in the Marshall Islands: Questions of Accountability and Gross Human Right Violations", "Post-Slavery Era: Has There Truly Been Progression in America?" and several others.

Write more in the morning...

One Year Anniversary and Letting the Truth be Revealed...

Happy One Year Anniversary for Connecticut Legalizing SAME SEX MARRIAGE!

My friend Cali invited me to join her on Thursday, November 12, 2009 at our state's capital building in Hartford, Connecticut to celebrate the one year anniversary for the legalization of same sex marriages. Though I had to miss a class for this, it was something I am so glad that I have understanding professors. This historical event brought a whole new meaning to me as I realized just how many people this legislation truly affected. 2,291 same sex marriages have been performed in Connecticut since the legislation passed last year- some couples having been together for 35 years and awaited this moment for a very long time. Others moved from other states in order to marry and in some cases even live in a state in which their marriage is recognized.

While I was at the event, which I was volunteering to help get things ready, a man came up to me to ask if I could take his photo with a couple. While we waited for the couple to come over (they were talking with another couple), the man was telling me just how much this day meant to him. Although his husband was not there to celebrate with him (he was still in the army serving), he came to just to celebrate with the other couples. His husband and him had moved up from North Carolina just to get married and live in a state that recognized their marriage and love. Just listening to him made me so happy and so sad all at the same time... However he empowered me from the inside out without even knowing it...

On the drive home I realized just how much these people had put themselves out for public scrutiny when trying to pass this law. I realized just how much I had oppressed my own feelings over the last seven years because I questioned and felt like I was unable really even express my true colors- out of straight fear of the public reaction. However looking back I had no idea why I was so afraid. I had never been the kind of person to care too much what others had to say (at least in high school and on...).

So I went home with all intentions to come out to my mother. I realized I was bisexual when I was "dating" a girl in high school. What started off as a joke really turned into me realizing just how much I really liked her. No need for a name, however if she does read this I hope she realizes just how much she meant to me and how much I thank her for opening my eyes. During the rest of my high school career however I had to suppress those thoughts and feelings because I knew my younger sister had heard about the rumor that I might be a lesbian. When my sister confronted me I was so scared that I quickly wrote it off as a pure high school falsified rumor. How I later regretted that decision.

Five years have passed since that day and I realized just how much I needed to confront those feelings... so without the chance and enough courage to say it straight to my mother's face... I sent her a text on my way home... was not the way I had intended it but nevertheless it felt good having it off my chest.

My mother reacted in a way I guess I saw coming... she was more than welcoming to it and said she loved me no matter what and that love was hard enough to come by so if I am lucky enough to find it, either with a male or female she supported me no matter what...

AH the feeling of complete relief!

See photos below (2 of which were from the event this past week)

New Haircut & A New Start

Catch up:
Steffi and I have been driving back and forth these pass two weeks to our apartment management company. Finally last week we went to pay the rest of our security deposit when our management friend (aka the woman we always work with since her boss is too intense for us) told us that she had another open apartment. We were so so so excited- even more when we walked in and we really really loved it. New cabinets, new stove, great hardwood floors, big windows, and etc. We were so pleased we went and signed our pre-lease agreement right away. Next week we go back to do the lease agreement and we move in on the 27th!!!!!!!!!! Yayyyy. Very excited for it.

(See Same Sex Marriage post-- which should of come before the rest of this blog entry)

So today Steffi and I went to the mall to do some shopping. Stef wanted to look into getting hair extensions, however they were way more expensive than we could have imagined. Ranging from $250 to $600 for only lasting 3 months tops.. Jesus. So basically we just ran around the mall for hours and ended up getting our hair cut randomly. See photos below. Mine is wicked short now.. ah. Good and bad I suppose. Curled its even shorter so I am not sure how to handle it just yet.

Ramblings

Don't they know that somethings going on,
What their harming with their indecision,
Who will be left standing when I'm gone,
There will be nothing left but a vision.
It's too easy to turn a blind eye to the light,
It's too easy to bow your head and pray.
But there are sometimes when you should
try to find your voice,
now this is one voice that you must find today.

-Miracle, by Oceanlab

Quick exercise: Take one of your hands and point your index finger.

Quick moral to the story: Notice your index finger is pointing at something or someone. Then turn your hand so you can spot the three fingers curled into your palm. *When you point a finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at you. Keep that in mind next time you go to scrutinize someone for their actions or lack there of. Be prepared to be scrutinized yourself.


Ah life. How you confuse me to no end. Constantly throwing me into loops. Though I know I am privileged in so many different ways, I seriously lack the thought progress of how I can be a better person and change the world. How can I fight for my fellow beings across the globe. Why am I always focused on myself? Well part of that, a small part, realizes that I really need to find my spiritual being in order to harness the energy to such a huge matter... However I really need to figure that out so I can progress into a better person and stand up for those without the voice.

Whooo knows.. sorry just rambling tonight. My mind is completely scrambled these days.

Just wanted to let you guys know that I truly have some amazing people in my life and I would not take it back for the world. One of my closest friends called me last night.. I just want her to know, if she is reading this how much I love her and hope she knows it.

What will I be when I grow up?

Everyone always asks themselves what they want to be when they grow up. And especially in the American culture, it is as if we need to know right away due to the competitive nature of our society. We must be the best and strive to accomplish as much as possible to be the more appealing applicant in a pile of resumes.

But in the end are you happy with what you do? If you answered yes, then by all means advance to the next question. Looking back, can you honestly say you live with no regrets and would not change one thing? Such questions are posed in order to make you go into a bit of self-reflection. I am currently evaluating what I want to do with my own life but really do not see an answer to my first question in regards to what I want to be when I grow up. Does it really matter if I cannot answer that right now? At least I know in which direction I am shooting for and so what if I am aiming to the darkness. By risking nothing, you risk everything.

Right now I am asking my soul whether or not I am happy with my status quo or whether or not I need another round of studying abroad in order to fulfill my appetite for learning in the non-traditional American university classroom. All signs point to the fact that I am not content with the status quo. The fact is I was supposed to be in Ghana right now, living my absolute dream come true. Everyone keeps saying, everything happens for a reason, but does it really? With all my beliefs is that a quote I actually, full-heartily believe in? The answer to that question is simply no. In my own personal opinion there is no master plan awaiting us, thus forth we live on our own. We are the creators of our futures and there is no such thing as destiny. Please debate with me if you believe otherwise, if not let me continue on...

Today I submitted my paperwork for my course abroad next semester in the southern region of Spain and Northern Morocco. Very excited to see the payment went through and it feels a bit more real now. Next step is to officially register next week for the course when registration opens up.. Ekks how exciting.

Also today I filled out the application for an apartment I am applying for. Actually it's called a townhouse... ha ha. But yes so excited to see what comes of it. Should be a for sure however and I cannot wait to hear the response! My future roommate and I will go to look at the available townhouses and select which one we will soon be calling home next week if all goes to plan so that we can move in the 1st of December (however I will be in and out for the first month since I still have my housing to the middle of the month. I am really excited since I miss the apartment life in this post-Sweden time...

Well that is just a quick update on future plans. Keep you updated! Keep reading and hope to hear from my readers!


Since using the blog analytic feature that Google offers- I have been able to track the amount of visits and which countries are entering my page. Since I started doing this a month ago, I have had 182 visits from 17 countries.. See the map below (click on it to enlarge) :D

What do I do now? Part Two/Två

In continuation of the last post...

My time with Rob was really great. It was almost like no time had passed between us. I really appreciated that feeling since he was such a good friend of mine while I lived in New Jersey. However I had such strong feelings for him when I did live in New Jersey and it was evident that I had had the closure on those feelings at least. But I realized just how much I appreciated the depth of our discussions. So much that I realized when we were back to his house just how late it really was getting. Exhausted we walked down the street to the convenience store to get a coffee. Soon after I was on my 3 hour drive home.. and of course it was raining and being New England region the autumn left the road full of leaves.. so about 5 minutes away from my school... I was driving in the fast lane (the left lane) and came to a bad curve in the road in which I did not take to well. Going a few miles over the speed limit and seeing the car in front of me suffering to survive the curve, I suffered and unfortunately was not successful.

Next thing I knew I was spinning out of control, crossing four lanes of traffic and crashing into the concrete guard rail (the rail which lines the the highway). Hitting the guard rail my car bounced off back into traffic and left me shaking uncontrollably with fear. It really just frightened me up and I truly believed that I was going to flip over the guard rail into oncoming traffic which was under the highway I was on. However when I quickly realized I was still alive and intact... I then quickly realized that I was still not out of harms way and there was a car approaching fast around the corner and about to hit me directly on my car door.

At the last moment the car swerved and missed me. I had not been able to move at since I was shaking so much so the car that had nearly hit me pulled over to try to check on me. I had just called the police (somehow) so the man came over to check on me and try to get my car pulled over more out of harms way.

Needless to say in the end, one written warning issued by the police, $180 later to fix the: alignment; new rim; new corner lights, and of course one huge fright later... I realized just how completely lucky I was to have made it out of the situation with my life, good friends helping me out as much as they did and most importantly the realization that I have the full opportunity to live my life how I desire and need to. Realizing this I just applied for a loan and decided to go to Spain and Morocco over Spring Break 2010 for a political science course revolving around the Muslim identity of southern Spain and Morocco. One of my current professors, from Lebanon, is teaching the course. I am more than exhilarated to have the opportunity since I have really taken on a large interest in Islam and Arabic recently.

Also since the accident I applied for a couple of jobs and just found out I have federal work study funds. For those who do not know what that is-- it is something you can apply for as an American student and the US Government decides how much they will award you -- so basically its a set amount that you can work for. So I am working, starting this week, for the Anthropology Department for the Department Chair for International Studies :D I also applied for a position at Whole Foods- an organic grocery store.


More to come :D Here are some photos from Halloween!! Trying to keep in mind that those who voted would like to see more photos and future plans :D Keep voting and visiting my blog! We are up to 16 different countries- North America, Central America, South America, Africa, Northern and Southern Europe, Oceania, and Asia. GOOOD times- really enjoying it!











Awesome Police costume! Oh wait-- no that is an actual police officer breaking up the party.. with a smile on his face.

What do I do now?

Martin and me at Elmer's Bar his last week before he left the states.


So Friday Martin and I drove down to Newark, NJ to go bring him to the airport. But before we went to do his check-in and those dreaded goodbyes- we went to IKEA for some lunch! It was just like old times meatballs, lingonberries, potatoes, and brown sauce. Tasted just like Sweden. To be honest I slightly wanted to cry because I miss Sweden so much. Martin and I were absolutely silent as we devoured our meals with absolute happiness. Even worse we went to the food section where they were selling yummy "godies" (aka sweets) and etc. Bilar, choklad, and Kex :D :D

Next to the airport. Martin checked in without a problem and after that we went down for a fika that would have to last a year.. Until next summer when Martin comes back for my mother's wedding. Bilar and coffee.. good times. Then off to the security gates. Goodbyes are goodbyes, they are never fun. There were some tears and lots of kramar (hugs for those non-Swedish speaking :P). Soon Martin was off to the security gates and I found myself yelling out HEJ DÅ KOMPISSSS (Goodbye bud)!

After crying my eyes out in my car.. lets be frank ha ha... I drove off to my old university in northern New Jersey hoping to see some old friends. But unfortunately everyone was working, at home or in one of the cities for the weekend. So I sat in the cafe right next to the bookshop and read some of my course readings while reminiscing in memories. Just waited around before I heard from my friend Rob, whom I had some feelings for freshmen year but also a good friend. Rob and I had plans to hang out later that evening, grab a bite to eat and catch up. Good times. In the mean time however I decided to drive out to my friend's job to see her since I have not seen her since the day before I left for Sweden, in other words over a year and some change ago.


See the next post for the next chapter of this post!